Letter to my Diary

Dear diary,

It’s been almost half a year since I last talked to you. I have been really through a lot and I come to you today a completely different person from the Jane you knew.

The confidence I used to have is gone. The beauty is gone, the happy smiling and bubbly person is gone. What is there now is a gloomy girl with a low self-esteem who needs a lot of re-assurance that I am worth living. I have no one to talk to. Everyone is busy. Am sure no one even notices me anymore. You are the only refuge for the pent-up guilt and regret that is killing me. All which started when I lost my innocence way back during the December holiday.

The last time I talked to you, I really praised Pete. I can still recall the exact words I used to describe him to you; a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady, charming, funny and interesting guy who makes me long to see him always and never to part with whenever we are together.

I was to meet with him at his place on the eve of Christmas then later go back home in the evening. I had heard so much talk about sex and the curiosity in me had really grown. I felt that I finally needed to get a first hand experience. I wouldn't be able to say no in the heat of the moment because I was feeling particularly vulnerable during that time of the month. He had no condoms in his place but needless to say, I lost my virginity and didn't go back home until the next morning. He promised to be there for me if anything went wrong. If only I had known about Emergency pills!

I went back to school on January and even bragged to my best friend Grace how I was no longer a virgin…silly me! The first term was kind of busy but I still exchanged letters with Nick on a regular basis. However they suddenly stopped coming when I mentioned to him on February that I had missed my periods. That’s when I needed him most…he never wrote back and so I assumed the mailing had some delays or maybe he wasn't getting my letters. The morning sickness worsened till I had to forego taking breakfast altogether.

I got a letter from him finally. I in jubilation until I encountered its contents. I remember the starting sentence," I am a university student who cant be a father now. However i'd advise you to find the person who made you pregnant...everybody knows how you've been sleeping around with whoever that's interested in you.."

I tried crying myself to sleep that night but I just couldn't. I blamed and cursed myself for being stupid but hated him for taking advantage of my naivety and being a coward!

I later on found comfort in two of my classmates who were also knocked up. Surprisingly they had already decided the fate of their state. Both would procure abortions once the term ended. Liz was lucky to have a guy who wanted her to keep the child. Millie and I were in the same state due to our apologies of boyfriends! What we all feared however was the reaction our teachers, parents, siblings and the society would have if they got wind of our paged states. Personally, my family and the church had a lot of expectations mounted on me. I couldn't disappoint them.

Schools closed for the April holidays and by this time, a keen observer would notice a change in my anatomical features. The changes were apparent and rapid for my friends (in crime) as well. I kept avoiding my mother because I knew she would realize what was up the moment she noticed a change. I resorted to wearing baggy clothing which covered by entire body save for the head, hands and feet. 

The coward wired me ksh. 4000 for the abortion when I threatened to burn his house. Having armed ourselves with the cash needed, Liz's big sister took us to a dingy house in the Kiagathi slums. The smell of pee, shit and blood greeted us when we entered the house. Once my eyes were accustomed to the little light, I could see three beds one on which lay two women who appeared to be in so much pain. The bed-sheets were bloody and numerous flies relished the sight. There were metals which I figured were the tools of trade.

The ugly,mean looking lady quickly asked us for the cash before pointing to the beds. She stuffed the money into her bra and proceeded to start with me while other two attendants went for Liz and Millie. All I remember is feeling a sharp pain...seeing a look of panic on her face and later waking up in a hospital bed.

Mum was there...her eyes red and saggy obviously from too much crying. "Oh my child is alive...thank God!"

I later learnt that I had lost my uterus. Millie had a successful abortion but Liz bled to death before the ambulance had arrived. 

I wish I had talked to my parents about it before going ahead with it. I wish I had protected sex. I wish I knew. But it's all wishes now. I have hope however that somebody out there will read this and take control of her deecisions.

Your's Jane.

I